My Personal Demon

My Personal Demon
Current mood: depressed

So lately I been stressin hard body about this whole infertility thing.  After that miscarriage a few years ago, I have yet to conceive another child, leading me to believe that either I am barren or its just not my time to have a baby.  But I get so furious when I see these little girls, 16 and 17yrs old with babies and I'm like "wth! I have a fuckin great ass job, my own place, and a great family why can't I have a baby but she can?!?!?! She has no job, still in school, mommaz bout to kick her out but she can get knocked up with ease."

I see pregnant women on the train and I just cry. I was on the train yesterday just chillin, lissenin to Nickelback I believe, and this pregnant woman got on and I stared at her belly for a good ten minutes, jus cryin.  I was so mad.

When I had my miscarriage, of all doctors they gave me the eight-month pregnant on.....while I'm sittin here watchin my dead baby detach from me, her big ass belly is sitting there pokin me in my face as she asks me questions.  Never had I wanted to be so violent in my life...well besides wantin to beat a bitch down in HS...y'all know who I speak of.....but I dunno.....its just really killin me....  

Even my fuckin cat is pregnant...she has five lil ones rollin round in her belly...she gets the joys and pitfalls of motherhood...and I don't.

Even my sister who has been pregnant who knows how many time pisses me off.  She's had abortion after abortion...something I'd never do...she doesnt even appreciate the gift of child bearing yet all in all she can still make them.  I appreciate it and welcome it and I can't even manage to keep one.  This shit sux.....

Now I gotta put on that happy face for erry1......

My New Xanga

OMG I am so back you guys!

Well so much has happened since I've retreated from xanga.  I am in love and engaged to such a beautiful person.  Someone who I think is possibly the one for me. The one who my mom adores....and Frances you know how hard that is...

...I am at a really happy period in my life....and not the type of happy where I pretend to be happy....not the kind of happy where it lasts but for 5 min...nope not like that...I'm expecting a letter from Erik this week not sure Imma read it...not too sure if I wanna know what it says...

there does come a day when the clouds drift away

and the sun brightens your day

but there is no day that the tears stop coming

instead the joy replaces the pain and the rays replace the rain

your frowns and indifference to the world seem to diminish

and you begin to love again, the same way you loved before you knew of heartache

you open your eyes and the day is meaningful for you

its not another day of waking up

when you hoped that your life would end

with last nights slumber

this is the day when you will find satisfaction in life

this is the day that you will be happy

in fact

it'll be the day that you found love

Tata Titi...by the way I am setting up a new xanga since I have spies on this account

Ahhhh I havent had much to say lately.  Been kinda stressed and very tired.  my belly was hurtin me today.....

You guys I am gonna be dancin in a show on May 13th....at 7pm....its only $5.....ou must come and see me shake my rumpapumpum!  Its Hip Hop and Dance Hall....Please come and see me an try not to laugh. 

Erik